After four months, I am back here. I dunno what to say. I juz feel very lost. He picked up smoking over there. We've been seperated for merely four months, he had changed into another person. Smoking seems perfectly normal to anyone out there, but to the person whom I love, it's not. How he complained about my father who kept smoking in the past and that made his asthma attack came back, how he scolded his friends for smoking, how he told me how much he hate people who smoke. Now, he pick up smoking, it's like slapping himself on his own face. Does it make sense? He dun practice what he preach.

I could have screamed at him, but I didn't. In the past I would. Now, I really dun have the energy to open my mouth. I told him if he feels better this way den go ahead. As long as he is happy. I can hear my heart is breaking.. so upset and disappointed.. I dunno why.. all in my mind is to wait for him to complete his studies after 3 years and then live happily with him ever after. I never expect him to become another person. I cannot accept the fact.. really cannot..

He said it's because he feels very stressful.. I dun think so. He is a kind of person who's easily influence by others, I believe it's his friends. I know most of his friends over there are smokers, I doubt "stress" is the word that made him smoke.

He promised me he will quit smoking by the time he comes back(june '06). Should I take his words? He always gives empty promises. I am so tired of them already. I dun want to expect so much and then when the time comes I get disappointed again. I hate the feeling. I hate him to give me empty promises. I hate it when he promise me something that gives me a pinch of hope and happiness, then suddenly take all of them away from me...

What I can do now is to pray that he can be back to his own self. I want the original him. The guy whom I know 3 years ago.